I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
