i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
