My underwear smells like fireworks.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
