Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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