I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
