Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
