So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
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