she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
