planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
