The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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