I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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