Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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