I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
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