Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Randomize
