My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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