so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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