it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
