How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
