Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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