Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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