While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
