I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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