I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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