I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
