Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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