We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
