He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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