My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize