I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
