im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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