My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
the day after is always just damage control
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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