My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Randomize
