if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
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