Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
