mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
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