Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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