Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
