I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
