I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I don't deserve a penis
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
