he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
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he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
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Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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