Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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