Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
