i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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