Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
