just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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