Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
