i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
