and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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