The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
