Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
