this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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