he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
